Dau man and his wild ways !

2010

09 has come and went, and now it s time for these heffers to pass the torch. Most of them have slithered back into their Twinkie boxes of a house, stuffing their faces with bon-bons, where they will continue to get larger and larger until the year 2012. Then they will submerge from their disgusting filth and eat all of us. Besides all that cool sh*t I thought that I would share one last 09 story with you guys.

It was Sep. 9, 2009; that s right 09-09-09. Me and my friends were gunna have a fat chick party. Everyone was supposed to pitch in twenty bucks and bring a fat chick; whoever banged the fattest chick wins the cash. Too bad no one wanted to host such a party, bummer. So I went to the bar instead. First bar I go to I m having a blast, drank a bunch of pitchers of beer. I start looking around, but I don t see any fat chicks. I go outside still no fat chicks. So I get some more beer. Next thing you know these chicks show up and it s one of the girl s birthday. Too bad she was smoking hot, I figured Hey hot chicks always have fat friends, they re like bodyguards for hot chicks or something. So I start hanging out with B-day B-word hoping for some fat uglies, but they never came just more and more hot chicks. I know it sounds stupid, but I got pissed. Its 09-09-09 goddamn it, and I wanna f*ck a fat chick, I took off to the second bar.

I arrive at the bar having no idea what I was about to walk into. Hoping for a pack of wild hippos I waltz in and can t believe my eyes. The local strip club was having a party. There was nothing but hot chicks shaking their asses and taking off their tops. I was pretty stoked but a little let down because none of them were fat. I make my way through the catacombs of ass and titties and get myself some whiskey. I continue to drink heavily and absorb the surroundings. This is where things start getting blurry for me. By one o clock the strippers took off. I still had an hour left before last call. I walk up to a table of hot chicks and say, Don t you hot bitches have any f*cking fat friends they didn t like that very much. But lucky for me they drew my attention to the corner of the room where my friend was hanging out with two slightly overweight chicks, I wouldn t say they were disgustingly fat but they would do. We have our final drinks and take off to the cars.

My friend went to high school with the fatter of the two so it was like he had dibs on her automatically. She had lactating nipples that squirted out cinnamon toast crunch milk, it was pretty amazing but she was taken. I start making out with the other chick, and things get pretty heated. We got are hands down each other s pants and all that good stuff. Meanwhile her friend calls a cab. The cab arrives and right then this B-word just bites my tongue as hard as she could, jumps out of the car and straight in to the cab and takes off. And I m left there with a boner and a bleeding tongue.

Any who that s how 09-09-09 went down. But now 09 is over and it s a new year for a new breed, no more fat chicks. I ve been looking around and noticed a bunch of sexy librarian looking chicks everywhere. So I think TwentyTen might have to be The Year of the Nerd.

More Hunden than Hunden

If you don t know what a Hunden is, that s ok. A lot of people don t know what it is, and that means chicks don t know what it is either. Which is awesome, because they think Hunden is something nice. When in reality Hunden is just German for the word Bitch, and in German slang it also means slut. So if you re walking down the street and you see some B-words just be like, Hey Hundens, what s up? And they ll get all flustered and flabbergasted, like you just called them a queen or something and you re actually calling them a slut/bitch. It s f*cking hilarious. So this Story is about a Hunden.

There used to be this B-word that was dating my best friend/roommate. My friend left town for the weekend and I woke up to her slobbing my knob. So I did what any good friend would do and smashed her out. When my friend got back I was sure to tell him what kind of chick he was seeing. He made the right decision and kicked her to the curb.

Some time goes by, and she s back on the scene trying to hook up with my buddy. Being the kind of guys we are he takes her to the room, and I go to my room. Apparently they started making-out and getting all steamy. She says she can t do it so my friend tells her to go sleep on the couch. Headed for the couch she takes a little detour in to my room. I of course being a scumbag smash her out. I go have a cigarette after and she creeps naked through the house back to my friend s room. He starts getting some, she starts talking about dating, next thing you know she s back in my room again. So I gave her another serving of c*ck. I go to sleep. And she wakes up my homie again. This time he gets her good. Towards the end of this session of debauchery she tells him she loves him. His response was Well, I don t. and blasted her with a wad in her face. She left after that and I haven t seen much of her since. I m pretty sure she s humping the neighbor now. What a fucking Hunden.

Take Me Shopping!!!

I don t know what is about shopping that gets chicks so excited, but they just love it for some reason. It s almost like that s how they get their rocks off or something. Which is where this little story is headed.

So one day we were all partying it up at my house. And there was this chick who was a friend, of a friend, of a friend. She was 18 years old and smoke n hot. She was kind of a sceenster chick, you know, the kind skaters attract. She had wild blond hair that was all over the place proving that she just didn t give a f*ck, awesome piercings, and she was all in to Satan and sh*t. In fact she was so pumped on Satan that she wanted me to shave her bush into a pentagram. I never got around to that because she never grew that sh*t out, but that wasn t a problem anyway, I like it bald.

So me and her are hitting it off real good. One thing leads to another and I m Feng shui n the sh*t out of her inners. Just tear n it up. I m not too sure what s up with these Satan chicks but they love biting. Not just a nibble either, they straight up bite you till you bleed and lick the blood. It s kind of creepy.

Any who I m smashing out the f*cking bride of Dracula, and right when she about to climax I hear, uh uh Uh UH OOHHH TAKE ME SHOPPING!!! I look at her and say, I ain t got no money, but I ll give you a pearl necklace. Right at that moment I Pulled-out and just blasted her. She was pumped on it. Cleaned up a little and fell into a sex-coma. I grabbed a Natty and a Grit and kept on partying.

So I think that proves there is some sort of sexual enjoyment chicks get from shopping.

Sexual Encounter with an Endangered Species

Seeing that it is almost the end of 2009, I feel that I must share a story about smashing out an 09. Some of you may be asking, What is an 09 Well my friends that is what you would call a fat chick. They got dubbed 09 because in the year 2009 they some how got it in to their heads that they have evolved into beautiful, stunning, sexy goddesses. If you don t believe me take a look around you ll spot them bulging out of their little belly shirts, or flap n out of their Daisy Duke booty shorts, singing that damn Right Said Fred song. Any who this story is about the time I had sex with a panda.

Me and two of my friends were stuck in San Fran with no where to go, and broke as f*ck. My buddy says to me, Hey I know this girl who just moved up here and I m sure we could stay at her house. There s just one catch She s kind of an 09, and doesn t get much action. So if you smash her out we can crash at here house. So I of course agree, seeing that s its 2009 I need to round me up some cattle anyway.

So my friend calls her to come pick are wasted asses up from the park and go party. When she arrives she looks like she wants a D real bad. Dressed in supper tight clothes, that look like they could rip open at any second, with the top of her shirt undone a little so her utters could droop out, and her pant-legs rolled up exposing her cankels. Not to mention she is of Asian persuasion and somewhat resembles a panda bear. Pushing about two-eighty, and she s only five-five. I started to rethink this deal, until she took us to the bar and paid for everything. After the night of slamming drinks now it was time for slamming cheeks.

She takes us back to her house, which is like this weird ass, crack-head, dormitory-hotel wanna be place, which comes crack-heads included. So the four of us have to share her room. She had just moved in so there wasn t any thing in the room but a matress on the ground. So after a while the other duders passed out, and I had to pay the toll. It was kind of weird cause she was the fattest chick I ve been with. She had back-knockers, jelly rolls, a huge fupa, and not to mention an almost unpenetratable force field of fat that covers her entire va-jaja. But the deed was done and it was done right in front of two good sleeping homies.

Its all about feasting on ur passion. Enjoy!

CULT-JON PEACY from Cult Crew on Vimeo.

PEACY LIFE from Cult Crew on Vimeo.

Good Times Roll from 2HeadedHorse on Vimeo.

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"brewbies festival"

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